Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Lost

Wednesday:

I am feeling quite lost at the moment in terms of getting healthy. I keep thinking "THIS thing (a new milestone high weight, a photo of myself, pre-diabetes, high blood pressure, fat clothes too small, having to wear a machine to help me breathe at night for goodness sake) will be the thing that gets me permanently motivated. But after a panicked couple of days I slip straight back into my old ways. I don't know how to stop this upward creep on the scales.

I used to have a fair bit of scorn (sorry) for overweight people who have "tried everything" yet are still fat. How about trying eating less/healthy and exercising? Simple, right? It may be simple, but that doesn't mean easy. Or even moderately difficult. It is so hard that it can seem impossible.

Maybe I am addicted to sugar and processed food or maybe stuff from my childhood has affected me or I have the wrong gut bacteria or who knows what? Maybe the reasons are relevant. I don't know. I am stuck.

I am full of excuses. We are having visitors, so I have to make dessert, and I have to eat some. I can't exercise today because I'm not wearing the right bra. Easter means I'm allowed to eat lots of chocolate. I want it. I don't feel like it. An event with unhealthy eating is coming up so I might as well start after that is over. I don't know what to have to breakfast. I'm too tired. I don't like yoghurt unless I have strawberries to put in it. Vegetables are boring. It's cold, so I'm craving fatty food. I like chips. If I exercise I'll get sweaty and then I'll have to shower and change. It might rain. It's too hot. I didn't get enough sleep last night. I feel self-conscious at this weight. Experts disagree on whether this is bad for me, so I can do what I want. I've already ruined today, I'll start tomorrow.

Monday, April 21, 2014

CPAP and new shoes

Tuesday:

It's still school holidays here for another week. Today we had some things to do. First I had an appointment with the sleep doctor. They are changing the settings on my CPAP from automatic - where it increases the air pressure if I'm not breathing deeply enough,  to constant - a continuous higher pressure that keeps me breathing deeply all the time. They always try both on patients to see which works better for them. This should be the last two weeks of my trial before I decide what to buy.

I mentioned to the doctor that the first mask had been slipping off because it was too loose and not very adjustable, so I'd come in and the technician had switched me to the older model mask which was more adjustable. It was staying on very well but in every other way wasn't as good as the newer model I'd tried first. Louder, and bigger so made under my nose sweat and itch. And as I lie on my side, it was pressing against my face and I was waking with a sore tooth. So he switched me back to the newer model mask, but in a smaller size that fit me better! Why couldn't the tech do that! That's why the doctor gets the big money... Oh well, just glad to have it. Will see how it goes tonight.

Then I took the kids (who had been patiently playing their Nintendo DSs in the waiting room) shoe shopping. Aiden and I now have hiking boots for winter (not necessarily for hiking, but warm and sturdy and I love the look) and dressy boots for Jasmine. The heels they have on boots for ten year old girls! Ridiculous. Managed to find a pair with lower, wider heels that she liked (she was tottering like a newly awakened zombie in the narrow high ones), although they are having to order in the right colour.

I love my boots. They were on sale at a proper hiking store, and I was really disappointed when they said they didn't have a size 6 - normally the smallest adult size - the last ones they had were a size 5. But I looked at them and they didn't seem that tiny so I tried them on and they are fine. Plenty of toe-wiggling room. So I guess their 5 is my 6. Most places don't even have an adult women's 5.



Then the grocery shopping. I told the kids they could have a food treat at the end of all this. They don't need a bribe, they are always well behaved, but it would be afternoon tea time anyway. And I decided to get myself a chocolate ├ęclair from the French patisserie. I was so looking forward to it as I trudged around the grocery store. Then we got there and the patisserie was all closed up, apparently permanently! Crushed! I got something else from another shop which I didn't really want and didn't enjoy all that much. I didn't finish it, but I did eat most of it. So I felt cheated and guilty both. That is when I feel the worst about eating unhealthy food - if I don't even enjoy it.

We had a sunny morning but it is grey and windy now. I think we are in for a storm.

photo from Kathmandu

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter bunny

Monday:

Happy Easter everyone. We don't eat anything special on Easter other than chocolate eggs so it wasn't a particularly bad day diet-wise. And despite the chocolate I've lost half of that horrible holiday "salt" weight, down to 83.9kg. Still not great. Back to working on it today.

Nothing exciting happening here to talk about. Oh, except my husband and I got to level 90 (the maximum) in World of Warcraft. We hadn't played for ages (defected to Rift) but started again recently and I've really enjoyed it. We play as a team. Jasmine gave us both hand-made certificates which was very cute.

One of her teeth fell out last night so the tooth fairy came. She still believes in the tooth fairy. And the Easter bunny. And Santa Claus. She is ten. Aiden, who is seven, is starting to question. It's probably time to have the talk. But I thought it would happen naturally before now. At this age, keeping up the pretence is starting to feel more like lying. With all of these, we have tended to lump them in with God and aliens - we say that some people believe in them and some people don't and you get to make up your own mind and it can be hard to know one way or the other. Yet then we leave Easter eggs around the house which is "proof" that the bunny exists!

I've heard the story that Spike Milligan used to write notes to his children from the fairies at the bottom of the garden in teeny tiny script, and so they believed in fairies well into their teens. Is this making their childhood magical, or just really weird and wrong to let it go on so long? Has anyone else had to have this talk with their kids because they seemed too old for it?

Friday, April 18, 2014

Scale says holidays are fattening

Saturday:

I thought I did pretty well on our little holiday - sure we ate out every meal but we only had dessert once the whole time and didn't eat much between meals, and we did lots more exercise than I am used to with walking everywhere. But my scale says no. Restaurant food (and some fast food) all full of fat and salt and probably sugar.

It's Easter tomorrow which for us generally means a lot of chocolate. I tried to keep it a bit smaller this year but I don't think I succeeded, in the end. My son doesn't like chocolate much so I had to get him something else, and then his sister's treat looked too small in comparison so I got a bit more, plus the Easter bunny will leave more chocolate and non-chocolate treats around... I found out only a couple of years ago that it is an Easter tradition in this city to get kids new winter pyjamas for Easter, haven't started that one yet. We had some fun this morning making cardboard Easter baskets to collect eggs in - I enjoy that as much as the kids. My daughter's is just as neat as mine, Aiden's has a bit of extra glue and sticky tape.

I wish all of you the best of Easters in whatever way you celebrate and whatever that holiday means to you.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

On the beach

Thursday:

I'm back! We've been away on holidays.

First news, we have successfully put a holding deposit on the boy puppy after missing out on the girl, and after much thought have decided to name him Thor. Blond and gorgeous!

On Saturday we drove to Sydney to my husband's aunt's wedding. She is the disorganised kind, so I bet my husband that she would be at least an hour late - but no! Right on time. The wedding and the reception both went smoothly. The only bad thing that happened was that the kids were playing on a knee-high wall behind the church after the ceremony and Jasmine slipped off, grazing her thigh badly on the way down. Honestly, it was as big as my hand (including fingers). She was upset at first, of course, but after the pain subsided a bit I think she rather enjoyed having it to show everyone and get a lot of sympathy. Hmmm, I wonder where she gets that from...

We spent the night and the next morning at my brother-in-law's so we got to see my cute little niece, then Sunday afternoon and night at my mum's. One of her legs has swollen up badly each time after she's had a bone-strengthening injection, so she needs to see someone about that. She was limping a bit worse because of it. A couple of days before we arrived, one of the house drainage pipes collapsed so when my brother had one of his eight hour showers (he has OCD) the house flooded. He just went to bed and mum got up the next morning to sodden carpets, which she felt too overwhelmed to do anything about. She didn't even put down towels or anything. We tried to dry it up a bit when we were there, and she had at least organised a plumber who came when we were there. She and my brother are fighting more about his hoarding, now that her health isn't so good she isn't coping as well with that stuff. It will be a great thing for her when she moves to a nursing home and finally makes him get his own apartment (which she will pay for). It's all just too much.

After those dramas we headed off down the coast to a seaside resort town called Kiama. Tim and I used to go there before we had kids. In fact our first holiday together was there after we had been dating for three months. He got food poisoning (or a virus maybe) one night and spent all night throwing up. Bit of a tester for a new relationship! I had to negotiate with the hotel for an extra night because he was too weak to leave bed the next day.

Anyway, Kiama is lovely and I don't know why we hadn't been back since we had children. I booked the hotel in a bit of a rush and "family room" turned out to be extra beds squeezed into a normal small room, but the view was great and the weather was very interesting. Hot sunny days changing to freezing heavy storms in the space of a few minutes, and back again. We watched the sky and spent as much time as we could out of doors and had a lovely time. Beaches and long walks and seeing the two blowholes and trying different restaurants.




On the way back we went on a suspended walkway high above the treetops on the side of a mountain. None of my photos really did it justice. Very very high. Not bad for someone scared of heights!


Looking forward to my own bed.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Cavoodles!

Monday:

We've gone and bought a cavoodle! We won't get her for a while because she was only born on Monday. I was doing some research and there were long waiting lists for all the kinds of dogs we liked so I put my name down for this newborn puppy, from a breeder about an hour away. I have seen a photo of four sausage-like bodies snuggled up to their mother, no idea which one is ours. We get to meet her in about 3 weeks and bring her home another month after that. So long to wait! But at least the gate should be done.

A cavoodle looks like this:
Or this:

Aren't they just the cutest dogs ever? There are a few colours but ours will be champagne, like the ones in the photos. (photo credit oakhurstcottage)

Plenty of time to buy bedding etc and move all Lego pieces behind closed doors. Now we have to agree on a name! My daughter and I each have our own ideas...

Edit: Wow, in the less-than two hours between the breeder saying they had two puppies left and me asking for the female, she had been sold! So we've got the boy. I hope. I sent reply email within about 5 minutes this time so they'd better not have sold him too! Have to rethink names now.

Dogs and rain

Friday:

We have been waiting for our backyard fence to be finished so we can get a puppy. The fence has been done but another couple of weeks before the guy has time to do the gate. Our dog will live inside most of the time but I want to be able to put her in the backyard on nice days when I'm out shopping or something. We are planning on something smallish and cute and fluffy, probably of the spaniel x poodle variety like a Cavoodle or Spoodle. Today the gardener was trying to sell me on the idea of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, apparently he has two-week-old puppies just opening their eyes. If you don't know Staffies, they are little balls of pure muscle. I'm sure they have lots of lovely qualities, but they also have the highest attack rate in Australia. So I was diplomatic, but no. Not quite what we want.

Our little girl is away at school camp this week, I hope she is having a great time. Unfortunately I think it has rained a lot where she is (here too). I hope she has enough dry clothes. We are going to a family wedding tomorrow (more rain) and then coming up we have a few days at the beach booked - not to swim, but it's a lovely area - and it's going to rain and storm there as well the whole time. Sigh. I don't mind a bit of rain, but when you are clambering over slippery rocks to see the famous blowhole or sitting on a wharf eating fish & chips you really don't want to do it in chilly windy wet conditions. Oh well, we'll make the best of it. Hopefully the tiny cinema has at least one kids movie. And at least we are not camping!

I've been sleeping much better, I think, starting to feel almost normal. Although I did fall asleep in my chair again yesterday afternoon. But I no longer feel like I really shouldn't be driving a car. I'm keeping the CPAP on basically all night now, or at least until 6am - then I have a short time without it so I can lie on my tummy. The new mask stays on my head much better. It's the older model (the new model that I tried first has only been out for about 6 weeks) and it is not as good in most other ways - it is noisier, and bigger so it makes my face sweat all around my nose - but I suppose staying on is most important. Why they took away the adjustable straps on the new model I don't understand! I might give the other one another try later, next time I go back they'll fiddle with the air pressure settings so I'll have tried a few different things before I have to decide to buy.

My husband was just offered a work trip to America for two weeks. But he's decided not to take it, two weeks (plus travelling) is a long time away from his family. And on my part, I'd be a bit scared for him. America seems so dangerous, everyone has guns and they have a murder rate 4.7 times higher than here (I just looked it up) and I don't know if I'd ever dare go there. I'd worry about him the whole time he was away. And I'd miss him of course. He's been overseas for work without us before but not for more than a week.

Last day of term before two week Easter Holidays! Yay for holidays. And Easter.